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It’s never 50-50

by Erika Torres
11 comments

It was clear to me after reading all the comments from “What Came First–the nagging wife or the lazy husband?” that the majority of what the Women’s Feminist Movement accomplished was simply giving ME more work to do.

Not only am I still expected to keep my house clean, cook for my husband, do the laundry, and eventually raise children–but I also have to keep a full-time 40-hour a week job. When you figure in the mandatory hour for lunch and time spent on my commute, I spend a total of 50 hours a week on work.

I read through the comments on my post and a part of me felt a sense of relief (ahh…sweet vindication! I am not alone!), another part of me felt bitter (is this what I have to look forward to for the rest of my life?), and another part of me felt sad, just incredibly sad. I don’t like being bitter, and I don’t like nagging my husband, but I don’t want to be stuck cleaning up after him for the rest of my life. I love my husband. He is a good, good man. But there must be something that can be done, right?

From the comments, it seemed that we’ve already resigned ourselves that this is the way things have to be. Is there no solution?

As much as we’ve evolved as a society, and women have more rights and we’re seen as almost equal to men, the reality of it is It’s never 50-50.

If the house isn’t clean and guests come over, they’re not going to judge my husband. They’re going to judge me.

If I am allowed to work from home one day, I manage to clean the whole house, do all of the laundry, and cook dinner. If Eric has a day off during the week, I leave him three tasks to do (no more, or else I’m referred to as a “slave-driver”) and most days, I’m lucky if he completes one…because he’s “tired” and it’s his “day off.”

Recently, my mom helped us pack the kitchen while we were moving and she was horrified at my pots and pans–which I guess weren’t up to her expectations. My mom later said: “Arn’t you embarrassed when guests come over?? A woman should always be proud of her pots and pans.”

As forward-thinking as my mom can be, I didn’t say anything because I’ve learned after 26 years of fighting the Mexican patriarchal stereotypes that are ingrained in my family, that it does me no good. But what I really wanted to say–and what I can freely say here–is that whenever the 1950’s decides to come back in style, and whenever my husband becomes the primary breadwinner and buys me a nice set of pots and pans so I can stay home and cook three-course meals for him all day, and watch his children, and do his laundry, and keep his throne clean and look like a Victoria’s Secret model while doing all of this…until that day happens, then no, I don’t care that my pots and pans aren’t super nice, they get the job done. And frankly, I would rather have my new TV than a set of pots and pans for guests to fawn over.

And furthermore, while all the housework responsibility still lies primarily on my shoulders–the breadwinning responsibility doesn’t lie solely  on my husband’s shoulders. How convenient. In fact, being the bigger breadwinner, I end up taking a lot of that responsibility off him as well.

I know I may be missing a lot here, but how come it seems that this “equal rights movement” gives men less work to do, and yet, gives me a heck of a lot more?

Where does that leave me? Doing everything?

I want to re-iterate that Eric isn’t a lazy, I’m-not-going-to-do-anything type of husband (that’s why I wrote this post.) He does love me, he treats me wonderfully and he keeps me sane (a feat, in itself). And there isn’t a day that goes by where he doesn’t try and make me feel like the luckiest girl alive.

But he’s an American husband; he expects infinite amounts of praise for completing a simple task.

So what is the solution? How do I learn to balance my need to have everything put in its place with Eric’s carefree lifestyle? Do women just learn to bite their lips? Perhaps some women have learned that a sweet kiss and a simple “thank-you” go a much longer way than a demeaning “Why can’t you ever do anything around the house?!”

And while I can push and push and make myself miserable–I have a choice. I can focus on what I do have, rather than focus on what I don’t have. It could be better, it could be worse.

***

Sunday night, we came home after spending the entire weekend at my parents’. The laundry needed to be put away, the dirty dishes were piled in the sink, there was clutter pretty much everywhere and Eric was sitting on the couch playing on his Iphone. I was putting stuff away in the kitchen and I could feel my blood starting to boil.

The evil thoughts started forming in my head…If he doesn’t get upI’ll give him 10 minutesDoesn’t he see me cleaning????

Out of nowhere, he interrupted my evil thoughts. “Honey, I don’t feel like doing anything. It’s raining and it’s Sunday night. Let’s go rent a movie, and get some frozen yogurt. I’ll even pay for it out of my allowance!”

I wanted to throw a fit. We hadn’t done anything around the house all weekend, and he still wanted to do nothing? Are you freakin’ kidding me?

But I didn’t say anything. I kept my mouth shut, and thought it over. I could be angry. I could be very angry and hold this anger against him because the house is not perfect the way I want it to be. OR I could spend a quiet relaxing evening with my husband, enjoying this time together because I won’t see him for the next two days while he’s at work. The dishes will get done eventually, I can put the laundry away tomorrow when he’s at work, and I’ll make sure he completes a couple of projects this week.

“Okay,” I said slowly. “But I want Ben and Jerry’s.”

We ended up having a very nice night together, cuddling and eating ice cream. And my Monday started off fabulously.

Maybe I  need to learn to pick my battles more wisely, use a few more “pleases” and “thank-yous” and learn to let the little stuff go. But that doesn’t mean I plan on doing all the dishes for the rest of my life 😛

11 comments

CaitlinO April 8, 2011 - 2:35 pm

It won’t get any better, sorry to say. And when kids come into it, your workload will only increase. Your husband, like mine, is spoiled and self-indulgent. This translates into a kind of selfishness because it puts so much of the chores and stresses of everyday life onto you.

We were married three years when I asked him to wash a load of clothes – he needed to be told how to turn on the washer. We had been married 4 years when I asked him to empty the dishwasher – he had to ask where to put the glasses.

So, my husband is lazy, selfish, yes, all of that. Plus he’s an absolutely amazing father, he keeps all our computers running, he was there 100% for me two times when I was very sick. We’ve been married 15 years and we still hold hands when we walk together and kiss every time we part from and greet each other.

Pick your battles carefully, and remember why you married him. It wasn’t for his great dusting ability, I bet.

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Nicole October 23, 2010 - 3:30 pm

Bizarre. My husband does more than half the housework. Part of that is that my tolerance for dirt is a lot higher than his is. Part of that is I do the bills because he doesn’t like to deal with money and I do. Part of that is I get horrible allergy attacks when it comes to vacuuming or dusting. And a lot of that is that we do most chores together, just like Carol Channing says to do in Free to Be You and Me. He’s also perfect and I always thank him for everything he does, and I’m never afraid to ask when I need help (I taught him how to cook through him being a sous chef our first year of marriage).

Growing up people were always jealous of my mom because my dad cooked, even though he did NOTHING else around the house. That was not going to be my household and it isn’t. If cleanliness caused resentment that would definitely become a spending priority– a cleaning person can fix a lot of chores.

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Squirrelers October 21, 2010 - 2:47 pm

Guy’s perspective here – you did well in enjoying the evening with him and letting the administrative/household stuff get done eventually. I think most guys like that approach, vs lists of tasks and nagging.

I think many men and women do try to do things in a 50/50 partnership, but often have different strengths/weaknesses, and different ideas of what constitutes “work”. Men might not appreciate just how much women take on overall, while women might not appreciate that men are more simple creatures who don’t even know everything we’re supposed to do:)

Anyway, good post. Just came across your blog, and this piece caught my eye. Thanks for sharing the story.

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Erin B. Inspired October 20, 2010 - 7:46 am

I really liked this post. It put my relationship into a new perspective. A lot of times I often focus on the things J DOESN’T do compared to the things he DOES. (That sentence looks completely grammatically incorrect to me but whatever.) Also, I tend to think I have to do the dishes or laundry or whatever right now instead of just relax. Sure, I don’t want my house to look like a pig pen, but often times it’s more beneficial to both of us to skip dishes that night and instead snuggle on the couch or do an activity together.

Oh, and honestly with the 50/50 thing, I’ve seen how J cleans and I’d much rather just do it right myself and leave him the easier chores like Swiffering the floor, mowing the yard, or sweeping out the garage. I’ll clean the bathrooms, dust, and wash the dishes so long as he’s appreciative of the work I do.

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eemusings October 19, 2010 - 4:28 pm

“If I am allowed to work from home one day, I manage to clean the whole house, do all of the laundry, and cook dinner. If Eric has a day off during the week, I leave him three tasks to do (no more, or else I’m referred to as a “slave-driver”) and most days, I’m lucky if he completes one…because he’s “tired” and it’s his “day off.””

YESSS.

I struggle between leaving him several, knowing he will do one (maybe two), or just leaving him one so I know he’ll get that one single task done.

I’ve decided when we buy a house it must have a dishwasher.

I hate washing dishes. But I have to do them because he never gets them clean enough.

And I think I need to buy him a clothes basket. It’s one step up from dumping them on the floor.

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Eric October 19, 2010 - 4:01 pm

Erika failed to point out that the reason I was sitting on the couch with my iphone on Sunday night. Is that I worked a 24 hour shift on Saturday and was up the entire 24 hours working. Then I came home and slept for 3 hours and had to be up the Monday (yesterday) to work another 24 hours, then I got off this morning and yes, I was up again all night working no sleep for 24 hours. Then I took an hour nap this morning when I got home, waited for the cable guy to come so the TV will work, then I volunteered for 2 hours at the blood drive, came home and took another nap for about 2 hours. I’ll have the dishes done before I go to my class tonight because I’m working on a paper. I do get a little tired when I only get about 7 hours of sleep in the last we’ll say 84 hours. Anything else?

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City Girl October 19, 2010 - 12:25 pm

If it’s 85-15, I think you’re lucky. And, yes, that’s very frustrating! I’ve bit my tongue on many occasions with my girlfriends who make more than their husbands and do 99% of the work around the house and raising the kids. I hope it improves, but I wouldn’t expect it to :(. xoxo

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Randa October 19, 2010 - 9:42 am

A. and I struggle with this sometimes, especially when we first started living together. We both have a different sense of cleaniness and household chores just by how we grew up – my parents didn’t specifically tell me to do things, it was just an unspoken expectation for me to keep my surroundings clean and to respect myself and others. A.’s parents, on the flip side, had chore charts, a reward system, etc., that told him exactly what he needed to do and he would do no more than was needed because he got what he wanted – do the chore, get the money, no need to do anything else. So when we moved in, there was no “rewards” for A. to prompt him to clean – he figured that since I never told him to do something, then he didn’t need to do it but I wouldn’t say anything until the time to do something had passed.

Eventually, after much frustration and arguments, we sat down and talked about it. I expressed that I wanted to be in an egalitarian relationship and he said he wanted to, too, and thought we were. Turns out, our different upbringings had brought a lot of unnecessary communication problems, to put it simple. So we decided that for a month or two, we would be COMPLETELY egalitarian – everything would be split straight down the middle and we would rotate the responsibilities so not one person held the sole responsibility of one particular thing.

I have to say, it really helped. We don’t use the chore chart anymore but we now both have a deeper understanding of what we both wanted and needed. Having that little chore chart for a month or so really showed A. what was important to me and having the conversation showed me how much we already shared.

So, to put a long comment to a hault [:0)], I would suggest just talking to Eric about your feelings and what you’re getting from what others have said. As a tip, using “I” statements tend to help the situation more than “you” statements – makes a person feel as if they’re not being attacked.

:0]

Good luck!

Oh, and BTW, I agree that more is expected of women, in terms of jobs within and outside of the home. And it sucks. :0]

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Tyler October 19, 2010 - 8:59 am

I guess I never realized how lucky my fiancee is to have me… I am not your stereotypical male in that I do more of the housework than she does. (I guess I should preface this by saying that we have someone come vacuum, dust, and clean bathrooms bi-monthly.) But I have my mom to be thankful for teaching me how to do my share of the work around the house. She is very progressive that way.

However, I think it helped that before my fiancee moved in with me, I lived alone for a while, so all of the responsibility came down to me. Now I feel lucky to have someone to share the chores with! I know that she is usally busier with work than I am, so I pick up the slack around the house, but I don’t mind it. If I don’t feel like doing something or don’t have the time, I’ll just ask her and she will take care of it.

I guess we really have a great thing going for us… Good luck getting him to help out more, I don’t think that you should have to do any nagging. but that’s just me.

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Akirah October 19, 2010 - 8:14 am

Being single, I have nothing really beneficial to say, especially since my ex would always clean my apartment without me even asking.

But I can imagine it’s a hard adjustment.

And I like Ben and Jerry’s too!

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Natalia October 19, 2010 - 6:41 am

I loved your post! I can totally understand where you are coming from. I love my husband, but man, sometimes I just can’t take it. I am a stay at home mom right now so I make it my job to do the majority of the housework, but I am not a martyr. I am not a slave, and I am not his maid. I do my best to do what I can but when I feel like he isn’t keeping up his end of the bargain, I tell him. Nicely, of course, but I have to let him know because then the rest of his life he will never learn. I know it sounds bad, but you have to train them in a sense. Because my husband is a good, honest man, he means well, he just doesn’t think of things sometimes. And he doesn’t mind having such a messy house, and I do. It is great to have open communication in a relationship. Anyway, great post, loved it!

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