It’s common for newlyweds to enter marriage with unrealistic expectations about life after exchanging vows. Our beliefs about relationships and soulmates are shaped by forces like family, friends, movies, and social media. Some of the ideas we’ve picked up may be out of sync with the realities of long-term relationships. Many people believe that they’ll never disagree or receive endless validation from each other, which is a recipe for disappointment. Here are six slightly stupid things that newlyweds expect, but probably won’t get.
1. Mind Reading
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Many women (and some men, too) are guilty of expecting their partner to understand their needs and preferences implicitly without communicating them. But newlyweds have to remember that their partner isn’t a mind reader. For example, if you want to be taken out on a date night once a week, you’ll probably need to have a discussion about it to make it happen. You also can’t expect your spouse to know exactly how you feel all the time. When you’re stressed about work and need extra support, you might have to ask for it.
It’s romantic to imagine that your partner is so in sync with you that they already know what you want without any prompting, but that’s highly unrealistic. You’ll end up feeling disappointed and resentful if you believe that your partner can or should intuit your needs.
2. Endless Validation
Some newlyweds also expect their spouse to provide them with an endless stream of compliments and validation. They feel disappointed if their partner doesn’t notice that they styled their hair a bit differently or bought a new shirt. They may feel resentful if they aren’t thanked for doing basic chores like washing the dishes. Newlyweds can also fall into the trap of expecting their partner to be their therapist and constantly validate their feelings.
It’s normal to seek support from your spouse, but make sure you aren’t going overboard with your requests. Your partner may not have the energy to unpack your day and listen to coworker drama for an hour every night. If you have high emotional needs, it’s important to give your spouse a break and seek outside support from family, friends, or a therapist.
3. Never Arguing
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It’s a common belief that if you’re with your soulmate, you won’t have arguments. However, it’s completely normal for happily married couples to have disagreements. Only 3% of people in serious relationships say they never argue. Most couples bicker anywhere from multiple times per week to once a month.
When you live with each other, it’s hard not to step on each other’s toes. Inevitably, you’ll have squabbles about domestic issues like chores and bedtime routines. Even if you mostly want the same things in life, you may still disagree about some major purchases and life decisions. Working on your communication skills and navigating these challenges in a healthy way is the key to a long and happy marriage.
4. Trying to “Fix” Your Spouse
Another stupid thing newlyweds expect from each other is related to change. Some people believe they can fix things about their partner’s personality or behavior. For example, a wife may believe she can turn her messy husband into a clean freak. This type of thinking is almost always a recipe for disappointment.
You can’t mold your partner into the person you want them to be without their active participation and consent. If you don’t like how your partner dresses, they have to be willing to overhaul their wardrobe. You can’t just throw out all their clothes and replace them without permission.
Even if your partner wants to change the behaviors you don’t like, growth and healing can be a long, slow process. It takes a lot of effort to unlearn ingrained behaviors like smoking or avoiding hard conversations. Instead of trying to force your partner to change before they’re ready, it’s usually best to love and accept them as they are, flaws and all.
5. Expecting Your Spouse to Stay the Same
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In the same vein, some people expect their spouse to stay the same over the years. But change is inevitable during the course of a long marriage. As you have kids and grow old together, age will take its toll on your bodies. Most people are unable to maintain a perfect figure while navigating challenges like parenthood or menopause.
In addition to physical changes, you’ll notice emotional shifts over the years, too. Sometimes your spouse may make positive changes and experience growth and healing. But it’s also possible that they’ll backslide into bad habits during hard times. It’s important to make an effort to love and accept all of the different versions of your spouse.
6. Everything Is Equal
Nowadays, many newlyweds expect an equal marriage. However, couples who have been together a long time will tell you that the labor split is never exactly 50/50. During some seasons of life, one partner may have to pick up the other person’s slack. If your spouse is going through a stressful time at work, they may not be able to split household chores evenly.
Sometimes illness strikes, leaving one of you unable to work for a period. It’s important to recognize that partnerships are never 100% equal. Be prepared to shoulder more of the load at times, and accept help from your spouse during your own hour of need.
Did you have unrealistic expectations about marriage as a newlywed? Share your experience in the comments.
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