Trust is one of the most fragile parts of a relationship. It can take months or even years to build, but it can be broken by a single betrayal or infraction. If you or your partner has been caught in a major lie, you may be wondering how to repair your relationship. If you’re both committed to making it work and communicating openly and honestly about your feelings, it’s possible to overcome this type of marital rough patch. Here are some general tips to help you begin mending your relationship.
Lying in Romantic Relationships
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According to Berkeley, we’re actually more likely to lie in romantic partnerships than in other types of relationships. Because we care about our partners and want to make them happy, we may hide things from them to spare their feelings. However, this is the wrong way to go about maintaining marital harmony. Over time, withholding the truth from your partner (even in small ways) can decrease the authenticity of your relationship and damage your bond.
Major betrayals like cheating and financial infidelity can be especially difficult to recover from. However, couples can get past transgressions, both big and small, if they’re both willing to work on changing the dynamic of their marriage.
Healing from Dishonesty
Reckon With the Details of the Betrayal
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To move beyond dishonesty, both parties must be committed to transparency. Although the aggrieved spouse may be tempted to withdraw, it’s important for them to be open about their feelings and questions. Any lingering doubts or concerns about the scope of the betrayal could continue to poison the relationship if they aren’t dealt with.
The dishonest spouse must be forthcoming about the lies they’ve told and the circumstances surrounding them. Answering questions about when and why you told half-truths will hopefully help your partner understand your perspective, kickstarting the process of forgiveness.
Take Responsibility
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Most people have a reason for lying, whether it’s to protect their spouse’s feelings or avoid conflict or judgment. It’s important to understand the root cause of the dishonesty so you can ensure it doesn’t happen again.
It’s also crucial for both parties to take responsibility for the ways they’ve hurt each other. Of course, the spouse who committed the transgression will have greater repairs to make. However, even the party that feels betrayed should remain curious about the relationship’s dynamic and how it may have contributed to the dishonesty.
For example, some people unintentionally get upset or angry when their partner shares his or her feelings. This can create an environment that feels emotionally unsafe. Although lying is never the answer, telling half-truths to keep the peace may seem easier than opening up in this situation. It’s possible to understand your partner’s behavior and take responsibility for the part you played without condoning their mistakes.
Honor Each Other’s Needs
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During the healing process, the partner who was lied to may have new boundaries. Honoring their needs within reason will go a long way toward restoring trust. Some people may need space or alone time to process, while others may want to have deep discussions to help them make sense of the situation. Both of these reactions are valid and should be respected.
However, you don’t have to go along with invasions of your privacy that leave you feeling punished or uncomfortable. If your partner demands to look through your phone or know where you are at all times, it’s ok to refuse. If your partner turns to controlling behaviors to cope with the betrayal, counseling may be necessary to restore trust in healthier ways.
Seek Professional Help
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Rebuilding trust is not always a fast process. While giving each other time and space to heal is an important step along the way, seeking professional help may be necessary to restore your relationship. Have an honest conversation with your partner to gauge how you’re both feeling and see if they would be open to couples counseling.
It’s a common misconception that counseling is a last-ditch effort reserved for failing relationships. In fact, only 40% of couples in counseling get divorced within 4 years. Many successful couples seek therapy as a marital tune-up. Counseling can help you understand your partner better and improve your dynamic, resulting in increased happiness and marital fulfillment.
Many couples are capable of rebuilding trust in their relationship on their own. However, having a neutral third-party in the room can make the restoration process easier, and could even make your marriage stronger than it was before.
Do you think relationships can recover from infidelity or lying? Share your thoughts in the comments.
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