1. Remember that I am always right when I’m pissed off at someone else. When I get pissed off at someone or something, and I go on a rant about how stupid they are–just agree with me. Don’t defend them or try and make me see the other person’s point of view. At this exact moment that I am spewing hate-filled words from my mouth, I am right and whoever I am mad at is wrong. I don’t care if I cut someone off on the freeway (they should have known I was trying to get in their lane)–I am always right! Duh.
2. Never remind me of my diet while I’m shoving five brownies into my mouth. No matter how many times I say I’m “on a diet,” if I happen to be shoving five brownies into my mouth–that is NOT the time to remind me about losing weight. Words such as “you deserve it, honey” and “you’ve worked so hard, of course you need to splurge!” are acceptable.
3. Know that wine fixes problems. I learned this trick from my dad. If my mom ever had a bad day at work, or simply because it was Friday, my dad would have a glass of wine waiting for my mom as she walked in the door. On a particularly bad day, I texted Eric: “You better have the wine ready when I come home.” Sure enough, as I walked up the stairs to our front door, a glass of Pinot was waiting for me on the top step. Wine fixes problems, wine makes me happy. ALWAYS have an emergency bottle on hand.
4. Humor my cravings. While we were in San Diego, I got the craving for a chocolate chip cookie. Then, I saw someone with a cupcake and realized I wanted a cupcake instead. But we couldn’t find the bakery where that girl had bought her cupcake. We asked three different store vendors, a janitor and perused the directory looking for this cupcake bakery. It seriously took us at least 20 minutes to find it. And not once did Eric get annoyed. Not even a peep. He knew how happy that cupcake would make me and he wanted me to have it. It was like falling in love all over again.
5. Know that cleaning is the biggest turn on. Eric and I have been married for a year. For a year now, I have been asking him to put water in his dirty dishes to soak them. This was a slight issue when we had a dishwasher, but when we downsized and moved back into the 1980’s (ahem, our love shack doesn’t have a dishwasher) this became even more of a problem as dishes would have dirty gross food stuck to them. Every day I would remind him “Put water in your dishes!” and every time it seemed as if he would purposely leave me scrubbing dry oatmeal from his dishes while he was at work.
Last week, I woke up after Eric left for work and saw this in the sink:
And suddenly, the clouds parted, the angels started singing Hallelujah and God spoke to me. It was true–I had died and gone to heaven.
My husband had put water in his dish! And I didn’t even have to tell him! He did it on his own! And it it only took a YEAR of telling him over and over and over (and over)!
I texted him: “EEEEE! My husband put water in his dish!” He responded: “Does that turn you on?” Me: “You have NO idea.”
Eric follows all of these rules and that is why he is the best husband in MY world.
What’s on your “Top 5 Ways to be the World’s Best Boyfriend/Husband” List?