I am no stranger to this question, and judging by social media, neither are a lot of my married friends.
However, unlike a lot of people my age, I don’t really get offended or annoyed by being asked the question at all. In fact, I get pretty excited and start blabbing away to anyone who will listen… my friends, my co-workers, my hair dresser, my friends’ moms….
I’m an open book, people!
And if you were to ask me the question, here is what I would say:
“I don’t know.”
While I may go on for about 20 minutes, the overall answer would be summed up with “I don’t know.”
Because I would tell you that yes, of course we want kids. Eric and I may have never talked about our finances before we got married, but we sure as heck talked about wanting a big family. Because, priorities, right?
But wanting kids, and having them, are completely different beasts. I want to eat a bag of Oreos dipped in peanut butter while watching a marathon of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, but will I do it? No, of course not, because I don’t want those Oreos to sit on my thighs.
Eric and I had a timeline we always used to go by. The first non-negotiable in having kids was that Eric needed to land his firefighter job. Which he did. So cross that one off the baby bucket list.
And my other non-negotiable was that I wanted to be 30 before I got pregnant. I turn 30 in two months.
But as that deadline approaches, I start coming up with other things that should be added to the list. Like how I would like to be done with graduate school (Feb. 2015). Or how I really want to travel just a little bit more.
I feel at this point that I am fighting a battle with myself. The battle to start a family vs. the battle to hold onto my youth just a little bit more.
I really, really want to start a family, but I also really, really want to travel and be selfish and sleep in on weekends and go out with friends and not be worried about finding a babysitter (although my whole extended family has already assured me that I would never be without an available babysitter).
I rhetorically asked my friend recently: How can I want something so badly and yet be absolutely terrified of it at the same time?
I feel like a five-year-old stamping my foot and throwing a tantrum: “I don’t want to give up my freedom!”
SO there you have it. See how confused I am?
And the real reason that I’m willing to tell anyone who will listen is because I secretly hope that they will have the answer. Tell me! I want to scream at them. When should I have kids?!
And nobody will tell you.
People who are older and have had kids are all like “psh, I’m just glad I’m done raising mine!” and people who are my age and just had kids say in an ominous tone: “Well… you’ll never be ready….” and they look at you through pleading eyes that haven’t gotten an ounce of decent sleep in months.
So yeah, I have that to look forward to.
The next time someone asks me “So, when are you going to have kids?”
I’m just gonna say “Not today.”
And that’s the truth.