What is this latest “parents telling us how busy they are so they can’t have childless friends” craze going around the internets these days?
Most recent “I’m SO busy because I’m a mom” post: Huff Posts’ “Once we become parents we don’t want to hang out with you”
I don’t know about you, but here’s why I think people with kids just need to shut up.
You’re busy. We get it.
You have kids running around, you need to get them a juice box, change their diaper, feed them, clothe them, walk them and pick up their poop. Oops sorry those last two are for my dog—almost the same thing right?
So it’s mind-blowing to think that we should ever expect to hear from you or go out with you because you are totes-busy all the time, every second, of every day.
And yet….you still managed to have time to compose that blog post or that video or that Facebook rant telling us how busy you are.
And you’re way busier than me
You know what those “omg I’m so busy” outbursts remind me of? The hot air we used to blow in school where we would have those “I’m busier than you” competitions.
You know what I’m talking about. You say “Omg, I was up til 4 in the morning finishing my 10-page paper for Bio Chem, and I had to get up at 6 am to practice my 30-minute presentation on the neurologic eating disorders of Nigerian rats and I still have to design my chia pet’s half-birthday present.”
And then someone else says “Oh yeah? Well I was up til 5 in the morning finishing my 20-page paper that outlines the solution for world hunger and then I got up at 5:30 am to start my 50-page paper on the cure for A.I.D.S. and then I had to go on my 36-mile training run for my ultra-marathon this weekend.”
And this is the problem—no one gives a sh**
Before your post about how you’re too busy for me, I hadn’t even given it a thought.
I’m too self-absorbed in my own life to think about yours.
You telling us how busy you are because you have two kids? Big effin deal—and you want to know why?
Because people, for thousands of years, have done it before you.
You are not the first parent to grace the planet with your presence.
I don’t have kids, and I have friends with kids. And one day I want to have kids.
But never once has my friend told me that her life is more important or busier than mine because she has kids and I don’t. That’s why she’s still my friend.
If you keep writing about how your life is so much busier and important because you have kids and your friends don’t, you won’t have many friends left to spend time with anyway—problem solved, right?
What I think of my friends with kids
You know what I think of my friends with kids? I think they must be busy because they have a two-year-old and a newborn, so I understand that I don’t get to see them very often.
But considering that I also work full-time, go to school full-time and freelance on the side, between my schedule and hers, seeing each other once every two months is an accomplishment!
We still manage to text and email, even though *gasp* she has kids!
She must be super mom, because she’s managed to do things that all these other writers haven’t been able to accomplish: spend time with her childless friends.
Although now that I think about it—she doesn’t have a blog.
That must be where all her free time comes from.
60 comments
Hmmm… get married & have some kids.
Or go visit your friend with kids. Bring pizza & a kid movie.
Eat pizza together, kids watch a movie- you can catch up with your friend. The kids will love you, you will win more time into your friends life and save time by bringing food.
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I will highly recommend this blog!
I think it’s part of this entire country’s obsession with whining about how busy we are. As if being busy shows how important you are. It’s everyone, not just limited to parents! But yes many parents rely on “so busy, kids, no time” instead of “too tired”, “too broke,” “I hate how spouse raises the kids so I don’t want to leave them alone” (i.e., too many electronics), etc. Many don’t want to say aloud that, if they work, they’d rather spend time with their kids, because that sounds lame. Not defending, just saying what’s going on. They should still say the truth instead of “oh no, so busy!” Business is simply prioritizing badly!!!
We’re definitely trying to get out, even with the 9 week old twins. We went over to Shannon @ Financially Blonde’s house on Saturday night and they just slept in a pack & play at her house. I will say that things are much harder and busier than they were before having newborn twins but I hear these early few weeks are insane for everyone. Slowly but surely we’re finding our rhythm and getting more comfortable bringing those two rascals out and about. We’re really committed to fitting them into our life and not fitting our life into theirs if that makes sense.
Funny and true. My daughter is on mat leave right now and I’m thinking (afraid) she may turn into one of these types. Luckily most of their friends have kids, but one couple who lives nearby to their new home does not. Maybe that’s going to work in their favour. They’re more apt to see them out and about walking their dogs (+1 baby). 🙂
[…] Much love. “What Childless People Really Think of People With Kids” — Newlyweds on a […]
Ok i knew I loved your site! This particular post has struck a nerve because I’m sick of it too! I’m in my early 40’s and I do not have kids (and I’m not having any) and apparently this makes me the 8th wonder of the world! I’ve actually been shunned by a friend I’ve had for 27 years because I don’t have kids and she said I couldn’t understand her lifestyle and she was busy with her “mommy” friends! Not to mention I’m sick to death of hearing I’m so busy, you’ll never understand what its like…I don’t need to understand…you chose to have the kids, you deal with it! Your lifestyle is not more important or more busy than mine, its just different! For my friends with kids I understand and accommodate them. But seriously when i read stupidity and small mindedness where people think so highly of themselves because they have kids and belittle ones that don’t I want to vomit!
You’ve probably been shunned by your friend because you are insensitive to her lifestyle. You’re ignorant about it and you refuse to care. You honestly sound VERY jealous of her. You sound very immature for your age.
I have two friends exactly like the one the previous poster described – to the extent where people will very obviously try to get away from them in social situations (they always gets even nastier after this happens, saying it’s because they don’t like kids, but the children have been nothing more than a delight to be around).
I assume they must be immensely unhappy to want to be continuously putting down the lives of the people around them. Just because someone is behaving poorly and you call them out on it, like the person did above, doesn’t mean that YOU are jealous of THEM. Often, I’ve found, it’s the other way around!
I also have friends with children who are awesome people. It’s the happy parents you want in your life… in some cases, even if their kids are d***s. Those who are miserable will often make you miserable, too, but I’d say that goes for more than just the parents…
What do people who don’t have blogs do with all their free time? I think that’s the real question here. 🙂
Personally, I’ve gotten the “we can’t possibly have anything in common” blanket statement when people find out I don’t have kids. I’ve never assumed I couldn’t be friends with someone because they DO have kids.
[…] the day I published What Childless People Really Think About Friends with Kids, I received a belated birthday gift in the mail from my friend who just had a baby two weeks […]
Great post, you hit the nail on the head. I wholeheartedly agree with you.
I think the problem is that parents make their world revolve around their kids. My kids will go by my schedule. When I say it’s time for supper, they will eat. When it’s bed-time, they’ll go to bed. Too many parents let their child dictate everything that goes on in their household and then that makes the parent “too busy.”
Thanks for sharing. So sick of some of these parents.
Hopefully you have kids by and know what you are talking about. 😆
We all said things- before we had kids.
I love my kids and my friends!
But family comes first. And then there are the friends who become a part of your family and stay a part of your family even when you have kids.
Love
I am currently dealing with an employee who constantly leaves the office 3-4 hours early almost every single day for her children (when she has a stay-at-home husband). My boss (who also has young children) continually justify it with, “You’ll understand when you have children!” or “We want to make this a parent-friendly workspace!”
It drives me bonkers. I understand that by having another life, you are taking on that other life (at least for a short period of time), but why should the rules be broken or bent to accommodate that? If you couldn’t handle it, you should have thought about it beforehand. Do not expect my life to change around it.
In terms of my friends, I most likely will be the first one to have children. The rest of my friends are unmarried, recently engaged, or newlyweds too. Lesson learned for the future on how to be a decent human to the ones I love.
Wow four hours early!! I am all about being understanding when parents need to leave the office for appts, bc kids are sick, etc. But I would be a-ok with everyone else getting the same treatment. I think there’s need to be more flexibility in work places in general.
SO many jobs could be done at home. I miss working from home where I could put a load of laundry in between conference calls.
Good for her! She is enjoying her life and her children. 20 years from now….will she regret it? Heck no.
Angie are you one of these parents?!
Angie….you sound depressed. Must be the 800 spoiled brats you have. You, you specifically, give moms a bad name. I feel bad for your kids, and friends, assuming you have any.
🎯
“And yet….you still managed to have time to compose that blog post or that video or that Facebook rant telling us how busy you are.” ha ha! You know I might even take that a step further and say that people who are suddenly in relationships have that SAME attitude sometimes. I have friends who have disappeared all of a sudden because they are in a relationship. I think it comes down to this: if you are important to each other (friends) you will find time… any time to spend time together, although with a little sympathy and understanding from the other party. I’m pretty sure handling a little one, or two, or three is pretty darn hard, so I understand us not going to the movies like we used to, but returning my text doesn’t take THAT much time. At least I know you still think about me…a little? The ones that don’t. See ya! And don’t expect me to drop everything when you suddenly find time for me.
I lost a friend over this. But my best friends still have time for me.
Oh, but did you realize your entire post was invalid because “you don’t have kids, so you don’t understand?”
I can’t stand when people with kids use this excuse to deal with the fact that not everyone has made the same life choices as they have – or worse, to belittle that fact.
Just because someone is a parent does not mean they are inherently a more valuable human being than anyone else. I think you hit the nail on the head by pointing out that people have (obviously) been parenting and raising children for quite a while now. And most of them did it without the need to stand up and declare, “OMG, I am SO BUSY and everyone needs to accommodate what I want because I chose to have a kid.”
News flash: we’re all busy. We all have things to deal with, things going on, things that we find just as legitimately important as our friends’ special little snowflake. Too bad many parents seem to have forgotten that it’s a two-way street.. perhaps they no longer understand these things because they DO have kids.
Thanks for writing this post – thoroughly enjoyed it (and will have to check out STFU Parents now!)
omg that is my number one hated saying!! 😛
I think this: “Just because someone is a parent does not mean they are inherently a more valuable human being than anyone else.”
is the reason why us childless people get so frustrated sometimes.
IMO being a parent DOES make you 100% more important than a non-parent because parents have people who depend on us for their SURVIVAL (& the survival of the species . . . ) Are you up 1019x per night with children? Are you able to eat and go to the bathroom in peace? Can you call in sick? Will someone DIE if you don’t watch them constantly and provide for their every need? No? Then you’re not busy and you really DO NOT get it. I’d like to see you re-write this article after you have kids. Sounds like you’re jealous, that something inside you realizes that people with kids live a much deeper, more meaningful existence than you and your blogging.
I keep reading that comment… that because we feel slighted by rude behavior exhibited by parents, we must be jealous. You know what I personally would need to do change my kid-free predicament? Not wear a condom and have a lot of sex (our fertility is confirmed). If jealousy were the prevailing emotion, I think I could change my lot. Being the oldest of a large family in a single parent household, I believe what I have seen with many of my friends who turned significantly less pleasant after having kids (which is definitely not even most of them) is that they had unrealistic expectations and are now unhappy. I hope they get what they want from life, but I still see these same few people thinking the “rules” don’t apply to them.
Having had a parent die when I was young, I would say it was a devastating loss, but it was also a devastating loss when someone who did not have children died unexpectedly. The meaning of one’s life isn’t solely based on children. In fact, many people do a really shoddy job of it.
I’m sure all of the beings who posted on this blog have contributed to another’s life in a meaningful way. Personally, I feel better trying to make all beings who come my way feel better at the hospital I work in, and I don’t keep my best behavior exclusively for offspring.
Here’s for a future where moms and non-moms can get along.
For reference, I am not opposed to becoming a mom. I just know now is not a good time, but it’s still infuriating to be treated as if I’m a lesser being by, say, a stay at home mom because my life just doesn’t have meaning. Girlfriend, I touch all kinds of lives, possibly even yours one day… though I wish you the best of health.
Wow Kristin, so you honestly feel that people with children are more important than child free humans? And that you all without exception lead a more fulfilling life than every human being who is not a parent? That is not only patently untrue, it’s incredibly sad for you that you feel this way. You are not more important, you have different priorities. A single female surgeon for example saves human lives of every age, probably thousands in her lifetime, just as one glaringly obvious example. Even if not looking after a small human, EVERY SINGLE HUMAN HAS VALUE. Yes, shock horror, as much value as you.
I shudder to think where you are going to be left when your children inevitably grow up and leave you alone. What value are you going to place on your life when you are no longer saving someone from imminent death?
And no love, it’s not jealousy, it’s understandable irritation with ‘friends’ who feel they are more important for having kids. You’ve just proved this blogger’s point.
Most of our friends with kids pulled away from their friends without kids because they had bad experiences with some of their friends without kids. When a friend of mine got pregnant, one of her child-free by choice friends told her they wouldn’t be hanging out anymore after she had her baby. We sit down with our friends when they have kids and tell them that we still love them and we like kids, we just don’t want to have any ourselves. We have maintained good relationships with more of our friends who have kids. Sometimes, it is just as much the attitude of those without kids, as it is those with kids.
Wow that really sucks.
Perhaps the lesson then is that we really just need to be more considerate of others, regardless of kids or no kids.
Thank you. Most thoughtful comment on here. When I got pregnant with my second, my good friend went on a tirade on how much she DIDN’T want kids. She put my lifestyle down…saying she’d rather spend her money on clothes, vacations and luxury cars than kids. That’s not offensive….to indicate to an expecting mother than material objects are more important than her unborn child?
Is your friend with a child being insensitive to YOU? If so, think about how YOU have acted towards HER. And although I’m an animal lover…you can NOT compare an animal to a child. Doing so is offensive. Can I compare my cat to…your mom? Would that be fair? No. So don’t do it to our kids. Even the author’s article sounds nasty and condescending.
Maybe it’s because most of “couple friends” are childless, and the friends we have 1-1 are the ones that have kids, but I have absolutely never noticed this. When I make plans to hang out with friends who have kids, we do so in advance – but we did that before they had kids, too – that’s just the type-A personalities that I roll with. Then when we go out for dinner or for a run or coffee, their spouse watches the kids, occasionally a sitter. Is it really that big of a deal? It’s called coordinating schedules. Does $**t sometimes come up and require rescheduling? Sure. But that happens even when kids aren’t in the picture. I know, because I do it just as often as friends do it to me.
I don’t know… from my POV, this feels like a total non-issue.
You’re right. It’s a non-issue if childless friends just realized that people with kids are not trying to put you down. We just want you to understand our lifestyle, we have different priorities now. I can’t (and won’t) drop everything to hang out with you. And when I do have some down time, maybe I just want to watch TV, go to the gym, or get a on facebook! Sometimes we just need some downtime for ourselves and nobody else. That’s why we talk about how busyyyyyy we are!
You sound like a great friend to have.
Love this! It’s hard enough getting together with my non-parent friends. It’s as if these parents think that since we don’t have kids, we’re not busy at all and just waste the days away.
Everyone is busy, we’re just busy with different things. And I have a few friends who have kids, but make a concerted effort to get together on a regular basis. My husband and I love hanging out with them and their kids, and they also love hanging out with us when the kids aren’t around!
It’s really all about balance. Oh, and not thinking you’re holier than thou because you have kids. I rarely speak to my parent friends who have this attitude, and I’m 100% ok with this. I don’t think it’s healthy to lose your own life and personality the minute you have children.
I don’t think it’s healthy either, but I do understand that especially in the first few months with a newborn there is an adjustment period. I think the bottom line is: “Everyone is busy, we’re just busy with different things”
When my very good friend came her last month, we haven’t seen each other for seven years because she was working in a broad. I still managed to have a chit-chat with her at first in one coffee shop and the second in our “house”. She was laughing because the last time that we met is in the bar, drinking a very cold beer BUT now I we are drinking a choco latte of course my daughter was sitting beside me. 🙂
Hmmm… I am of two minds on this. I don’t think Jason Good’s blog post was bad. Maybe that is because I know how he feels. Our friends in general, come to our house because we have kids and want to get them to bed. Likewise, our friends love our kids and vice versa (my son loves getting the “big boys” beer from the fridge). My friends are just as busy as we are and we recognize that. Our friends recognize that it isn’t because we think we are busier or have more important lives, but DIFFERENT lives. You can’t understand what it is like to be a parent until you are one. That isn’t a slight against childless people, it is just the truth. Does that mean I think my single friends aren’t busy and their lives aren’t important? No not at all. So basically… This sounds like a single person bitching. I am not saying there aren’t parents out there who don’t fall into this category, the one the author is complaining about… But why complain about people bitching and moaning with your own?
It’s not necessarily losing your life or personality…your priorities and responsibilities change. So does your schedule and the amount of free time. And mostly your energy level! I still love all the same things, I just don’t get to do them as often. However, I’m not holier than thou about it either.
Well I’m not single, I’m married. But I have seen an over abundance of posts from the “mommy” group that I got sick of it and decided to show the other side.
Believe me I hate all those posts too…truly the sources are constantly trying to create drama amongst people. Kids vs. no kids, working mom vs. stay at home mom, breastfeed vs. formula feed. It’s stupid! Precisely why I now
Soooo, I don’t do the Facebook thing or have a blog and I don’t complain about how busy I am to my childless friends, so I don’t take the gist of your post personally (bc those types of posts ARE irritating!) but I know I have had some challenges with childless friends so I want to post a FRIENDLY rebuttal!
I am NOT the first generation nor only working parent on the planet….but I am the daughter of a mom that worked full time and her work came before us kids. So my mom left the house before we woke up and often came home just in time for us to head to bed and my dad worked running the building we lived in so mostly we were alone starting when I was around 12. Me, My sister that was 3 yrs younger and my newborn sister would be dropped in the apartment after school/daycare. I would proceed to do my homework and take care of my siblings until bedtime. I resented every moment of it because I lost my whole childhood. So now as a working parent I need to drop my kids at daycare at around 7 and pick them up at 5. Therefore, I feel at their young ages any time that we are not at work/daycare and they are awake, I should be spending that time with them. In about 8 years they will want nothing to do with me and them head to college…so this is a pretty short time in the span of my life. So when someone calls me to complain about their husband getting drunk AGAIN (they married him knowing he was an alcoholic) and ignoring any and all advice that I give them AGAIN, when I could be playing dress up with my 4 yo, it gets a little old! I have tried being there to listen, spent $ flying to events (taking days off of work and away from my family) yet if I need to decompress and chat or ask for them to come visit it’s not reciprocated.
Neither scenario is one being more important than another in the grand scheme of things but your “life stuff” is always going to be more important to you and my “life stuff” is always going to be more important to me! Are there times I want to get out and have a good time? Sure! But there are some additional obstacles I have to doing so. I have to trust/schedule/pay for someone to care for my kids in order to do so. Usually that requires a true friend to understand that I probably need a week or two to find someone and I probably can’t go to the uber trendy, ultra expensive bar, because my entertainment budget starts the night negative $40 just for walking out the door. However, I can probably go to a movie, or dinner, or dessert or coffee. Sometimes, I can’t get someone to care for my kids or can’t afford to so I may ask you to come to my place to hang. The kids are in bed by 8 and I am very happy to provide wine a tasty snack and some conversation. None of this is bc my shit is more important than your shit…it’s bc I have different challenges than you might.
If you are dealing with people that basically make you feel inferior bc you’re not a parent, then eff them’…but if they can’t always drop everything to be there at a moments notice (the same way you can’t) cut them some slack…the way you would want them to!
Amen
So maybe perhaps the argument isn’t about parents vs. non-parents but rather about people being considerate of others?
I unfortunately am on social media constantly because of my job–otherwise, I would totally cut it out of my life! So perhaps I just see more articles in my feed that are all “what you should do when someone has a newborn” , “what you need to understand about parents” etc etc etc. and perhaps this last one was just too much for me to handle! haha
I haven’t had a problem with my parent friends, but obviously I’m in the minority according to blogs out there.
I guess I don’t know many annoying people with kids or annoying people without kids….I think some of these parent vs non parent arguments are made up because I just rarely see these things on social media (other than on stfu parents which i love to read 🙂 )….yes I know there are entitled parents out there just as there are entitled people that aren’t parents….but this whole argument is getting a little tired. I didn’t mind my friends that were parents when I wasn’t one and I don’t mind my friends that aren’t parents now that I am one….sheesh
You said it perfectly! I’ve had enough of the “I’m busier than you” competition with people who have kids. Great post!
All of our friends have kids now and we don’t see them as often as we used to. We know it’s because they have kids but there has been no defriending. The only reason to not have friendships between the have kids and the no kids groups is if you have simply drifted apart because of different lifestyles. Sometimes it happens. Real friends will keep in touch and meet up when they can. If nothing else you ‘ll at least get an invite to the obligatory 1 year birthday bash. BTW-Love the new look!!!
Wow, I have not been following this particular trend online because it’s in my face almost daily with one of my staff. Just because my kids are grown and out of the house does not mean I have no idea what it is to have children. Things were not that different 20 years ago when mine were also playing sports year round and had pretty busy social calendars. Just lately I have noted a general toward this frequent and overwhelming “sorry I’m not posting anything of substance I’m just so busy” or “I have so busy and neglecting my blog ….” When I start counting the “I’m so busy” posts I realize I need to stop reading that particular blog.
AMEN Sister!!!
A-FREAKIN-MEN! STFU parents blog did just do a post on this as well. I don’t get the whole new “busy” thing either. Like they are the first generation to work and have children. I’m over it and also could give a shit less about how busy they are!
Exactly! They are not the first generation to have children.
These self-absorbed people with kids give normal regular people with kids a bad name.
Preach! I could have written this same post. (Except my version would have been a lot bitchier, so well done.) The problem I have with all these articles floating around is how self righteous they sound. As if by me wanting to be your friend, I’m expecting you to ignore your child to their detriment. Umm. I’m not. But how long does it take to respond to a Facebook message? I don’t even need a response the same day. It’s not urgent. That’s why I reached out on social media. I’m not asking for all your attention, just a little. My best friend, who has two kids under 2.5 and works a full time nurse anesthetist job and works for a university (she’s a badass), is awesome b/c she knows that my expectations are low. I don’t need a lot of maintenance. Just like a few of my photos on facebook, wish me a happy birthday, and spend a little time with me when you can. It’s not rocket science, people!
Also: do you read STFU Parents? It’s awesome. And Blair just wrote a piece about this exact thing. (She calls it parent-splaining.) http://www.mommyish.com/2014/05/15/stfu-parents-explaining-parenthood/
I love STFU Parents. It’s teaching me exactly how NOT to be when I have kids.
And completely agree with you–my expectations for parents with little kids are low. But I know you can still respond to texts within a reasonable timeframe. I’m not asking you to spend the whole night out –if you need to early because your kids will get up, go ahead.
One point I might add is that we tend to love our friends’ kids and actually want to see the kids too!
100% agree! I adore my friend’s kids!
All I asked was for my friends to come to my house. How that became a manifesto against child-free people, I have no idea.
I think the issue that is caused by these posts written by certain parents is the entitlement that oozes out of them rather than anything else.
Like everyone else has to bend to accommodate parents because your life is busier (or more important) than mine.
This doesn’t come from ALL parents, just certain ones and it is becoming a lot more prevalent today with new age parenting styles.
(loved this post)
and I so agree. the entitlement to special accommodations just because you are a parent now is silly. not only have people been parenting for ages in all kinds of situations and environments. but especially in this day and age… becoming a parent is a choice! and with the privilege of being able to make choices comes the good/bad consequences of those choices. be an adult, quit whining and live the life you decided 🙂
Parents equate busyness with importance.
And by them constantly telling us how much more busy they are than us (because you know we have free time for Facebook, people!), they are essentially saying their life is of more value than ours–and that is the epitome of entitlement and self-righteousness right there.
So then why link to my post as a prime example of asshole-ness? I was basically apologizing for being lame. There are plenty of entitled parents out there who think their lives are far more important than “regular” people. I ain’t one of them.
Loved what you wrote Jason! I have 3 sons in their 20’s and now 2 daughters that are 17 and 18 months old. Thought your blog was a funny way to get the point across. Not condescending at all. And for I worked full time with my boys but life is definitely busier now with kids then it was then! And I’m a stay at home mom now! Life is busier for everyone in general now so no saying this isn’t the first generation to work and have kids. These parents are way busier and for the mom to be who said her kids will follow her schedule, let me know how that goes for you lol! Thanks for making lots of people smile Jason 😀